Chapter 3: The Warning Fable

(disclaimer: this is a serious post with a little bit of TMI and personal info, read at your own risk)

It hasn't even been a year yet.

This time last year, I had an eye infection that lingered too long. I almost went blind, and my ex couldn't take care of me. He had to beg his girlfriend to let him have money to get an STD test/treatment from another girlfriend he'd found. I'm pretty sure sharing a towel with him is what gave me the eye infection, and I'm lucky I didn't catch more from him. Because his definition of safe was completely different from mine.

And that's why a year is just not enough time.

Yes, I knew he was "cheating". I put that in quotes because the situation was complicated. We had an open relationship from the start. His definition of open was just completely different from mine.

It started out that as long as we were honest and safe, and got approval from each other first, we could have the occasional tryst. I'm not the jealous type. I recognize jealousy for the insecurity that it is, and I used to be a very trusting person. I mean, if you love someone and they love you, you should be able to trust each other, right? Because you don't go out of your way to hurt someone you love, right?

Maybe his definition of love was completely different from mine, too.

Now I jump at every shadow. I'm still hurting from the things that were done. There were two guys I thought about wanting, and now there are none. Because with either one I'd be risking myself to being hurt again. Because with either one I'd be settling for less than what I need right now. One who mocks anyone with a shred of belief in something bigger, and the other who is just too sneaky and dishonest for what I need. I don't know if he's ever been sneaky or dishonest with me...I'm pretty sure he hasn't. But I'm constantly left unsatisfied and a little bit worried by little things he says. "It's just for fun," is a big one. It's a line I've heard over and over again, and it's a code for, "I want to use you and be able to walk away without consequences." And sometimes I'm okay with that. I'll be honest. There have been times where that's what I needed. But that time is not now.

Maybe I've grown up. Maybe I've just been hurt too much. Maybe it's a little of both. I don't know. But by trusting the wrong person, I nearly went blind. By trusting the wrong person, I faced consequences that were just too high. So it will be a while still before I can trust anyone to that extent again.

I'm not saying it will never happen. Part of who I am is that I will never give up hope. I might act bitter and defensive because I'm afraid, but I can't give up hope. When I love, I love with all my heart. I love with everything I have, with everything I am. Maybe I'll never love a lover that much again, but I won't give up hope in that possibility. And I cry sometimes because thinking there is no hope is too much for me to bear.

I'm not looking for perfection. Anyone I date will have to be as flawed as I am, or I'll grow insecure and magnify my flaws a million times. I need someone who sees me as I am and loves me for my flaws as well as they appreciate my greatness. Someone good enough. Just good enough. And if I never find that person, I'm okay with that. A little sad and lonely, but it beats the alternative.

And if I date someone who can't take me as I am, that's fine. No really, it is. It just means I haven't found The One yet. And so far, I haven't met The One. I'm all about compromise, but I won't compromise who I am. I won't change to fit someone else's ideals. If I'm not what they want, well, they'd better get back out there and find the person they do want!

And that's okay, too.

I'm done feeling rejected because of incompatibility. I'm over it. At least, in theory. I'm not so in love with the idea of being in love anymore that I'll cling to anyone who shows any sort of interest in me. I used to. But look where that got me. Sometimes it's MORE lonely to get what you think you want when you finally realize it's not what you wanted at all.

It took nearly going blind to learn that lesson. I'll never forget that one. In a relationship you need to find someone you can trust, not just trust someone you can find.